Change is hard...

First off a quick shout out to the IT department here at work, for my fancy new keyboard. I have never typed with "correct fingering" but luckily we have a spilt keyboard at home so it's not too big of a change. The change that I'm not quite used to, is new keys that I have to push a little bit harded and the sound the spacebar makes. Hopefully this new keyboard will help my carpal tunnel.

Now back to other changes that I meant to right about. Making life changes are hard! As mentioned in previous posts I've been working to get out of debt. So far I'm still pretty close to on track for out of debt by June 1st, but sometimes it's hard. I work hard and sometimes I just want to spend. (thankfully not all the time) Clothes are my weakness, but at the same time I hate spending a lot of money on them. I've reached the point of thinking, maybe I'll just pay off my credit cards and let my New York payments and car payments just keep going. I mean my car will be paid off in October whether I pay it off early or just let it go on like it does.But then I remind myself how cool it's going to be to be out of debt completely. How I won't need to have shopper's guilt if I buy a cute new skirt or buy some delicious food. So I keep working hard and remind myself that what feels like cutting back isn't bad at all. I have closets full of clothes (I even got rid of like a third of them this past weekend) I have enough money to get by, it's not like I'm struggling by any means while I work to get out of debt, so why do I get those feelings of man I wish I could buy that... why? Cause sometimes things are lame like that.

Next topic, weight. I know people probably don't want to read about this (if that's the case, please skip to the next paragraph) I stayed so focus to get to what I thought was a pretty great weight for me. I worked through the holidays and come early January I did it! I was so excited, I felt great and then what happens, oh focus and change get forgotten and I hit a couple weeks of stress eating and days of just not thinking about it and I'm back up five pounds. It was HARD to lose those last five pounds, but sure was easy putting them back on. So now it's time to refocus again and stop eating everything in sight. I've read in many articles that cutting caffeine is going to help in weight loss and fat stored in the tummy area (which is where I want to lose the weight) but if I replace the caffeine with a pack of Mamba's every day, I'm a really going to see those benefits... the answer is NO ELISHA, so stop it.

A couple weeks ago, I got into an arguement with a friend, a best friend, and decided the best thing for us both is a clean break, total seperation, figure out our own lives. I miss him every day. I hate not talking to him, I hate not texting him, sometimes I even miss fighting with him.

So where's the middle ground in life. Everything can't be black and white. I just want to find that place where I'm working hard, saving money and still enjoying a few new things. Where I'm not constantly being asked if I'm eating, but that I can stay focused and chose good things to keep me ridiculously healthy but still enjoy what I'm eating and being able to have treats. Where is the point that I can text or talk to him without it meaning more than I have to offer him?

Is it asking too much to want it all? The correct answer is yeah, it probably is asking too much. So for now I guess I try and figure things out slowly, a day at a time, and enjoy the many things I do have today, becuase really, I am blessed!